Siblings

I want to be treated uniquely NOT fairly!  What about you? Do you want to be treated fairly (ie the same as everyone else) or uniquely (ie given what you need which may be the same or different to others)??  We were discussing in the Mindful Parenting workshops this week why children get jealous of their siblings, why they compare and why they constantly check they’ve got the same as everyone else – and complain when they haven’t.  The problem is us!  Yes really – it is.  Most parents are obsessed with treating their children fairly – counting out sweets, timing to the minute turns on the TV or computer and making sure if one child has new shoes, a new toy or does 2 ECAs then their siblings have this too.  It’s exhausting for us and just feeds the idea that as long as I get the same as my siblings then I will be ok – which is why they clamour for it.  At a deeper, often unconscious level we know we aren’t the same and don’t want to be but when parents respond as if we are children can become obsessed with the notion of fairness – as a result we hear “It’s not fair!”,  “He’s got more than me!”,  “You let her go first yesterday!” and we respond with frustration wondering where this feeling came from!  Of course it’s normal for siblings to compete over resources- time, food, parents etc and our job is to help them understand their needs will be met – even though their wants often won’t.  It’s not our job to treat them fairly though – after all we all want to be treated uniquely as the perfectly imperfect humans that we are.